by Nik
With the most important off-season of the 21st Century looming, the St. Louis Cardinals have their work cut out for them.
“Six Starting Pitchers” – John Mozeilak, President of Baseball Operations said during the 2023 season, and his excuse for not signing an arm in the offseason. He let names like Nathan Eovaldi and Michael Wacha get signed on team friendly deals, opting to depend on the likes of an aging and soon-to-be-retired Adam Wainwright, and uninspiring, back end of the rotation arms like Dakota Hudson.
They received half seasons from Jordan Montgomery, who was the ace of the Texas Rangers, and Jack Flahrety, who is now sitting on his couch in Los Angeles, watching the rest of the play-offs complete.
The next 2 years for this baseball team are the most important. Expiring contracts from Paul Goldschmidt, and regressing superstar, Nolan Arenado, begs questions about their corner infielders—the outfield, still a mess, and the rotation, a complete nightmare. The bullpen isn’t dependable and the middle infield raises question marks too.
So what’s the plan? Tear it down? Add? Subtract? Here is my comprehensive plan to save the St. Louis Cardinals and set them up for success for the next 8-10 years.
I could start by saying the DeWallet’s need to sell the team and fuck off into Arby’s Land, but that isn’t ever going to happen. What can happen is John Mozeilak’s departure. Not to say the DeWitt’s won’t immediately hire another “Yes Man” but a fresh face with a different outlook can go a long way, even if they have to let Bill Jr. drink their blood.
2025 is Mo’s last year. I fully expect for him to step down before that, or at least scale back his role. The first name that has come to a lot of people’s mind is Randy Flores. Flores has had a very fruitful tenure as the Assistant GM and Director of Scouting. Just look at the 2020 draft, and beyond. Yes, some spit-shining on all facets could be done, but he’s been successful. As for outside of the organization, there’s too many names to throw in the hat.
The second and arguably most ugly problem is Oliver Marmol. With the rumors of Yadier Molina returning as a coach swirling rapidly, we could be free from the grip of Oli by mid 2024. Molina is a baseball genius, but more importantly, a Cardinals genius. Yadi at the helm, with all his knowledge, is no doubt the best option for the Cardinal’s next long-term manager.
I could go on and on about all the upper management bullshit, so it’s time to get into the real fixes, that hog-slop you wanna slurp up so badly. So without anymore waiting, here’s how to fix the Cardinals 2024 and beyond—because they can have it all.
Starting. Pitching. The Cardinals DO need to sign three starting pitchers, minimum. Lots of names have been bouncing around, such as Sonny Gray and Aaron Nola, with the rumor mill around Yoshinobu Yamamoto, too. Gray is too old and Nola will want an exorbitant amount of years. Fuck the money, it means nothing. The Cardinals are also set up for their usual heist shenanigans with one of the most thick and juicy farm systems in the league.
Here are some names the Cardinals SHOULD sign in Free Agency. After, I will go over trade targets:
Aaron Nola, 30 y/o – 5 years, $135,000,000
Yoshinobu Yamamoto, 25 y/o – 7 years, $185,500,000
Jordan Montgomery, 30 y/o – 4 years, $100,000,000
Those are my top three signing candidates. The Cardinals cannot and should not miss out on Yamamoto, but the question is, if they will spend for him. These players deserve to get paid, and for Monty, with his agency being the BIG DICK BORAS corp, that type of contract is highly unlikely. That’s just what I would offer them. Is it enough?
Bill DeWitt will have to open his little coin purse for the first time in his life, NOT involving contracts picked up on trades. Bolstering the rotation with 3 aces will already be a significant start to success. With MAGA Mikolas as the number 4 and a mix of number 5’s playing roulette for that end of the rotation spot, there’s no doubt games will be won.
So now for the trades, that of course, nobody will be happy with.
Triston McKenzie, from the Cleveland Guardians.
Not a Free Agent until 2026, McKenzie has shown ace potential throughout the years. The two names that come immediately to mind are Tommy Edman and Matthew Liberatore. Do the Guardians take that without an extra sweetener or two? Probably not, but that’s a lot of value and potential coming their way.
The carousel of Logan Gilbert, Bryan Woo, Emerson Hancock, George Kirby, and Bryce Miller. Step right up and take your pick. Jerry Dipoto and the Mariners are hazardously horny to move one or 3 of these guys for a star-studded package of prospects and MLB ready players. Some names have been thrown around already, such as Alec Burleson, Nolan Gorman, Tommy Edman, Brendan Donovan and Dylan Carlson. Each of these pitchers are cost-effective, controllable, and would turn the rotation around and in the right direction. How much do you wanna give up? Kirby will most likely not be available, but if the Cardinals truly don’t give a fuck, some big names we don’t wanna hear will be dealt.
Clark Schmidt, from the New York Yankees. As far as I’m concerned Brian Cashman is a fucking idiot, but also a genius. He won’t stop torturing Yankee fans. So how ‘bout it, Mo? One last heist? Schmidt is 28, entering his later arbitration years, so I don’t expect for him to be insanely expensive to trade for. Do the Yankees want to let him go? This package could be similar to the aforementioned, but there’s a good chance he could be a lot cheaper.
Those are just names that look and sound good. Don’t expect me to look at numbers beyond the regular good-ole stat line, and definitely not advanced metrics, because they literally mean nothing.
These arms WOULD help, especially with Hjerpe, Hence and the Graceffo/McGreevy camp waiting in the development hell wings. They may even be packaged themselves for future arms.
Players they should get but won’t sniff: Dylan Cease, Shane Bieber, Shohei Ohtani.
2024 other Free Agents. Something is truly stinky about the Cardinals right now, especially this past season. So who knows if anybody really wants to sign with St. Louis without them getting paid a little extra. So here are some other names the Cardinals should go after:
Cody Bellinger – 4 Years, $64,000,000
Jorge Soler (depending on opt out) – 2 years, $27,000,000
J.D. Martinez – 2 years, $21,000,000
Joe Kelly – 1 year, $8,000,000
With the possibility of the Cardinals moving guys like Carlson, O’Neill, and Burleson. Bellinger, Soler, and Martinez can fill that gaping power hole. Not to mention, as good as Edman is in CF, get him out of there and get Belli in that spot. A Joe Kelly reunion could easily bolster a weak-ish pen, and could provide some veteran guidance in there as well. He’d be cheap and it wouldn’t hurt at all. If he sucks, he’ll be gone.
Beyond 2024 trades. Now, this where shit gets a little whacky and zany. With Paul Goldschmidt in his last year of his contract, the Cardinals have an opportunity to capitalize on his value that is dwindling at a rapid pace. The one trade that makes sense, that can aide this team, that can set them up for the next decade in that corner infield spot, is Paul Goldschmidt and prospects being traded to the Toronto Blue Jays for Vladimir Guerrero Jr.
You give them whatever it takes, without the names Jordan Walker and Masyn Winn involved, IMMEDIATELY. Vlad Jr. has had ups and downs the last few years after coming off a normal MLB universe MVP season. And as a side note—GET OHTANI OUT OF OUR HEADS. The Cardinals need him more than anything, but it’ll never happen.
What can and should happen is getting Vlad Jr. on this team. Goldschmidt headlining the trade with some higher level prospects; Roby, Saggese, Baez, Victor Scott II, etc. would get that done. Fuck, even if the Blue Jays wanted Tink Hence, you make that trade every day. You get Vlad and extend him 8 years. No more questions.
The Arenado problem can be addressed in the future by keeping Gorman, or moving Walker back to his natural position. However, there’s a part of me that believes Nolan will snap back into reality and give us 2-3 MVP esque years before retiring into the sunset.
2025, another big year for the Cardinals. Now, this all depends on A LOT of things. Does this player get traded THIS off-season? Who gets him? Does he sign an extension. In my mind, I can only see this player getting to the end of next year and really testing the market in the winter of 2025. This player needed to be a Cardinal in 2022, and He is Juan Soto.
Juan Soto, still yet a generational talent, was nearly a Cardinal. That was up until Mo tucked his little tail and didn’t let the Nationals rip Dylan Carlson from his cold, dead, hands. The package was presumably built around Carlson, among probably one Masyn Winn or Jordan Walker, too. The past is the past, and the future is now, fuckers. Signing Soto to a massive, earth-shattering deal is setting up the Cardinals for long-term OF and DH success. The rumors circulating around how much he could be offered are north of $400 million. Especially after the Nationals offered Soto 15 years, at $440 Million. However, depending on these next 2 seasons, I see the Cardinals being able to sign him for something around 10-11 years, $415,000,000. Doesn’t that seem like a fuck-ton of money? It is, but quite literally who gives a shit? Especially when you see the contracts the Padres, Phillies, and REALLY the Mets hand out.
Is it asinine? Maybe. But that’s the game, that’s the business, and that’s how you fix the motherfucking cocksucking St. Louis Cardinals and set them up for success for the next 10 years.
One more name to look out for is Munetaka Murakami. The Japanese superstar will be posted after the 2025 season, and if the Cardinals skip out on Soto, they should be well in on Murakami. He will be nearly 26 years old and entering his prime beyond his prime.
That’s about it. There’s many more variations of moves, signings, whatever the fuck you could do. Tons of different players and many more that could develop into superstars. But this is the now, this is who we know is and will be good for a very long time. So we’ll just see. Maybe my glass is just half full. But as a disgustingly stupid baseball fan, this is what I believe can and should happen.
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