By Tom

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On the latest episode of the Worst Fans in Baseball Podcast, I told a story to Josh and Ryan about my buddy Mark’s newest…experiment(?) into human depravity. It’s hard enough to describe it in full detail, so just take a look for yourselves.

Wow that’s a lot to unpack. In case your brain is still processing all of that, Mark has created a device to service his tube while playing Call of Duty: Warzone. You might be saying to yourself, “Chill out Tom, this is clearly a joke,” and I wish it were–I really really wish it were–but Mark has stumbled into something that’s so horrifying and avant garde that it defies our basic presumptions of imagination. It’s clearly high art. 

The response from the Boys has been mixed. Ryan stated that Mark was living in the future and was ahead of everyone in satisfying themselves. “Mark doesn’t stand to profit from The Machine. In fact, it cost him a substantial amount of money from what I understand. He’s simply spreading the word about getting topped off by a robot while you play COD. He is truly a hero.”

Co-host Josh said that he was initially “afraid, I was petrified in fact,” but came around to Mark’s line of thinking after “indulging in some futurist literature, I’ve come to the conclusion that Mark may know a lot more about a lot of things than even the greatest innovators of our time.” I expressed my personal horror, thinking that Mark was performing aversion therapy, a Ludovico Technique. Our friends Tyler and Thor think Mark is performing MK Ultra experiments on himself and that the minute he stops he will likely blow up a mall.

So, just like Charles Marlow I took a boat into the heart of darkness to meet my Colonel Kurtz. I cleaned up Mark, changed his pants, and sat him down for an interview on the Ritual/the Machine he’s devised.

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First off, why?

Because I can. Why does anybody do anything? 

No, but really, why?

I don’t, it just feels good. The real answer is significantly less funny, which is it just extends the amount of time you can masturbate. You know how hard it is to cum when you’re playing Call of Duty. 

What compelled you to create The Machine?

I really wanted to jerk-off, but I also wanted to play Call of Duty. So I thought, this is America I can just do both, and that’s what freedom means to me. 

So you built it out of patriotism?

I mean I can see how some people view it that way. What’s more American than hogging off while pretending to be a soldier fighting for freedom in a desert somewhere. 

What have your critics said about The Machine?

I have critics? People don’t seem to understand, I don’t really know why they should or why they’re worried about it. I don’t ask how you cum. I agree that I am living in the future, everybody else is behind me in the jerking off industry. 

Are you concerned about copy-cats diluting your work?

This was never meant to be a public thing. But if anybody copies me they’re just joining me in the future, I think of it as the internet, you don’t have to use it, but it’s a lot cooler if you do. 

What is the message you’re trying to convey with the Ritual?

There’s no real message. It’s just a vibrating sex toy, if you’re looking for a deeper meaning it’s probably (10 seconds of silent thought) it’s that I can’t get a date, but that’s not how I see it. I’m just trying to get my proverbial rocks off. 

When’s the last time you used the machine? How often do you use it?

Um, maybe once or twice a week. I used it this past Thursday. I had the day off and I was bored, so I fired up the machine and took a walk around the apartment. Sometimes I do other things instead of playing Call of Duty; walk around the house, look out the window, make lunch–you know normal stuff. 

Do you have any plans to build on The Machine?

Not yet, it seems to get the job done. Eventually I’ll probably get bored and go buy a new one. 

Will you involve other people in the Ritual?

No. This is embarrassing. Why would I ever tell anybody about this? 

Are you working on any new projects to build upon the Machine’s success?

What success? Do you think I’m gonna develop a way to cum even harder? It’s masturbation not weight-lifting. I’m not gonna get better or stronger at doing it. 

Are you satisfied with what the Machine has accomplished?

I wouldn’t say satisfied, I genuinely feel shame after using the Machine, but inevitably go back to it later. I think I could quit the Machine, I just don’t have to.