By Tom

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There were a litany of mistakes made along the way, the worst being that I thought it would be convenient to get my oil changed at the same time as I was getting new tires. That’s fun and expensive. Tires are the worse. I’m the kind of person who does things last minute, and tires are something I really should save for.

You know what else is worse? Fucking Walmart. This could all just be fuzzy happenstance, that my car began leaking oil like a punctured whale, or that Walmart shit the bed. THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES HERE, WE’RE GONNA FIND OUT, DETECTIVE TOM IS ON THE CASE.

What better way to spend Labor Day weekend car-less, as well knowing my vehicle won’t be serviced until Tuesday. Just bang up stuff, truly. Time to start taking submissions on what forms of civil protest I’ll need to do before our local Walmart accepts blame for turning my engine into a bomb and gives me a $25 gift card, hell maybe I can get a PS5 out of all this.

Anyway, the best baseball stories always begin with something unforgettable, and me and the boys are certainly not gonna forget this one. The Cards handed the Cubs an 8-4 loss last night by pounding 3 homers, almost 4 but God is a prick who hates happiness. Yadi stole 3rd base after clearing the bases with a double. We did bit on Jordan Peterson being at the game that went on way too long. We had a rip-snorting good time before all the previous instances of malfeasance occurred.

Josh scored 4 free tickets and it was a mad scramble to fill the last two spots, as Nik is clearly dead and Ryan had to spend time with the in-laws, GAHHHHH. Luckily we have dozens and dozens of friends and after a few hours we got down to the last people we wanted to ask. We got super-fans of the pod Brad and Alex to go along with us.

Alex is the real MVP in all this, as he brought us 10 quarts of oil for us to basically do a makeshift change in the middle of St. Louis traffic, but also brought his medicinal herb pen that put Josh and Brad on their asses. What better way to enjoy 70 degree weather than getting faded at a baseball game.

But then we had to drive home! We made it 30 miles before my car turned into an opium den. Josh used his premium AAA membership to score us a tow and ride back home–shout out to our brothers at Tow 411, they’ve always had the public’s back, someone should make them cops. Nothing like 3 sweaty dudes cramped in a truck lugging their way back to Cape Girardeau. I’ve taken 20 lisinopril and my blood pressure continues to spike, maybe I got these from Walmart’s pharmacy too!

The Outfield is Good

The outfield is pretty solid, although they’ve taken a step back defensively since shipping Harrison Bader away to sell chop-cheeses and talk about Joseph Smith’s golden underwear. Let’s highlight the positives: The Boys are hitting very well.

Cardinals outfielders rank 5th in wRC+, Baserunning Runs, and WAR. The power numbers aren’t eye-popping–the boys are 15th in home runs and 9th in SLUG–but they are top 5 in K%, average, and OBP. They get on base. 

It’s a fairly impressive run from an outfield that’s; 1) relegated Dylan Carlson to a platoon role, 2) saw Corey Dickerson and Lars Nootbaar struggle for half the season, and 3) has the bad version of Tyler O’Neill. If this timeline wasn’t worse enough, Harrison Bader may never walk again and is now a New Yorkah. He took with him 49 OAAs and 37 DRS in over 3,400 innings. Sure, we’re probably not gonna miss his, at best, league average bat, but we lost DRIP production! Harrison Bader had to wear a wetsuit in centerfield, I mean look at this fucker he’s a Greek god who took up surfing with us mere mortals. The dude’s got an ass that could feed a lunch rush at Golden Corral. I don’t care if it makes me gay, I don’t want to be straight.

The Cardinals’ outfield woes, if there are any, are defensively. They rank 17th in both DRS and OAA. We can blame Dickerson, Juan Yepez, Brendan Donovan, and Bader for some of these shortcomings. Dickerson, because he’s older, but has luckily posted a career resurgence the last month and a half at the plate, and Yepez, who should never touch a baseball glove in his career unless he’s handing one to Nolan Arenado. Don’t fault Juan too much, he came up and started beating the ball like Marcell Ozuna beats a loved one, and you have to find somewhere in a lineup for that production.

The top defensive studs this season have been Nootbaar with his 4 DRS, and Carlson sporting 2 runs and outs saved in both of those statistical departments. O’Neill has regressed slightly, in that he’s been league average, but let’s be thankful the only thing he’s struggled with this season has been the magic wand and not the mitt. In typical O’Neill fashion, he’s been injured off and on, but lately he seems to be getting out of his funk.

As if we didn’t spend enough space on this site fluffing his Garfield, Lars Nootbaar has become a menace. In 512 innings this season he’s posted a positive DRS, and saved 5 runs with his arm alone, the latter ranking 2nd in the majors this season versus guys who’ve played 300 to 500 more innings. Lars should defend a drag brunch from slobbering Rangers fans with that gun. 

In addition to that, his UZR/150–a nerd stat called Ultimate Zone Rating, with the 150 being the aggregate value over 150 games–is top 20 in the league. Lars has been pretty fuckin’ good this season. And if Dylan Carlson can find a way to hit more consistently, he’d be higher on this list.

Speaking of which…

Dylan Carlson

Carlson’s been riding the pine-pony the last couple weeks. Can’t blame the decision-making, although it is a little frustrating as the front office virtually committed to Dylan being the primary center fielder of the future, only to designate him as the #4 guy. Shit happens, baseball is a game about luck and streaks, and Carlson will–and better–get plenty more chances to solidify his role in this organization. 

Since August 2nd, Carlson has slashed .209/.310/.326. His 86 wRC+ in that span ranks him 55th out of 78 outfielders with at least 80 plate appearances. It’s been a lost season for Dylan by his standards. Albeit frustrating as it’s been, his .702 OPS is still at or just above league average in terms of OPS+ and wRC+. Thank God the balls are less juiced for everyone!

Monty Does it Again

Jordan Montgomery has been a godsend this season. The Quintana-Monty Express have posted 66 innings and a 2.32 ERA through 12 starts. Most of this heavy-lifting has been by Montgomery, who had one shaky start against Atlanta, but has since then been DEVOURING BABIES.

Quick aside on Quintana, who has cooled off but still been solid. The Cards are 5-1 in his starts and he’s pitched into the 6th in 4 of those. Oli had a quick hook on him when he was laboring through the fifth against Cincy, and he suffered a 7-hit dusting from the Diamondbacks that saw him lifted after 73 pitches and 2 outs in the third, but other than that he’s been about as good as you’d want from a backend rental. The 3.38 ERA and 3.43 FIP are very promising in his 6 starts, and while he’s not quite average 5 innings per start like you’d want, he has only surrendered 1 home run since joining the team. And that 1 tank came in the first inning of his first start against the Cubbies on August 4th, he’s gone 28 ⅔ innings since, which helps offset his high walk rate. 

Anyway, back to Monty. He threw a 1-0 complete game Maddux shutty against the Cubs. There’s just not enough adjectives to fill his contributions to this team so far. All it took was TRADING THE SEXIEST MAN IN BASEBALL for him. 

Monty’s carrying a 1.47 ERA through 36 ⅔ innings since being picked up. I was really hard on this pick-up because he fills up the strike zone–like he fills up our hearts. His 1.8 BB/9 with the Yankees was a welcome sign for a team that ranked 18th in walks per 9 for starters. Since the deadline, the Cards are now a top 10 team in limiting free passes. 

His innings pitched are 17th in baseball since August 2nd, his 5 wins tied with Zac Gallen, Chris Bassitt, and Framber Valdez for most; among dudes with 20 innings in that span, his 1.2 WAR and 2.31 FIP rank 13th, and his 1.47 ERA 8th in the league. Want more? Of course you do, piggies; when guys do get on base they don’t score because he’s 22nd in LOB% and if anyone tries to take matters into their own hands by shooting for the downs–good luck–because his 0.25 HR/9 is 10th in the league.

Oh, and about that guy…

How Much did we know?

I’ve heard rumors/allegations from my St. Louis’ friends who worked in the bar and service industry that Carlos Martinez was a creep. I don’t know, nobody does, but as of recently that could very well be the case.

Martinez was a rotational stalwart from 2015 to 2017. He was really good. He accrued 12.6 WAR, a 126 ERA+, hurled 580 innings–including 200 in 2017–and punched out 575 along the way. He was our ace briefly while Adam Wainwright re-invented himself. However Carlos, performance-wise, was always plagued by issues of command and eventually the long-ball. When his tenure ended with us he was walking nearly 4 batters per 9, and his stuff had regressed to where he wasn’t the strikeout pitcher he used to be. Injuries also plagued him; following his 2017 season he labored through lat and oblique problems, before a strained rotator cuff limited him to closing duties and 5 starts in 2019 and 2020. In 2021, Carlos filled an entire barge full of diapers with a pants-shitting 6.23 ERA and 1.58 SO/W ratio. He tore a ligament in his thumb and was shut down, at the end of the season he was served his walking papers where he signed a minor league deal with the Red Sox before getting released, and then busted, for testing positive for Ibutamoren. 

Listen, I’m empathetic to athletes who do PEDs. Sure it’s cheating, but I get it. If you’re not cheating you’re not trying to win, amirite ladies and germs. Being a professional athlete is a physically exhausting occupation, and your entire career hinges on that physical health. I was empathetic to Rick Ankiel and Andy Pettitte, guys who took HGH to recover from injuries. I’m empathetic even to A-Rod and Bonds and McGwire and Carlos. There’s a lot of money and legacy attached to your body, and baseball is a sport where you can miss time over the dumbest things beyond your control.

So while I didn’t really care that much about Car-Mart getting tagged with an 80 game sussy for doing PEDs, I do really care about the 85 game ban he just got handed on top of that. The details are still not public, but Carlos Martinez violated MLB’s domestic violence, sexual assault, and child abuse policy–enough so that MLB actually looked into it for once and did something about it. None of those three shithead qualifiers garner any iota of empathy except to those he hurt.

I bring this up because it is Cardinals news. Martinez was part of this organization for 12 years and he played 9 major league seasons for us. We gave him a 5 year $51 million contract before ultimately buying him out and giving him the boot. This org invested in him, and I don’t say that as if the DeWitts are some rearing 7th Heaven father figure, but how businesses protect their interests and capital. 

Martinez has had recurring legal troubles with the Cardinals. In 2016 he had a $1.5 million civil suit brought against him for battery and negligently transmitting an STD to a former lover, and in 2018 he had another suit brought against him over an alleged assault at a strip club in 2014. The case was thrown out by a federal judge as just “another bar fight.” 

It makes you wonder, ya know, who knew and how much they knew. That’s all I’m saying. Carlos Martinez seems to have a track record of engaging in seedy and predatory behavior, and, while this is anecdotal, if people I know knew how much of a creep he was, how much did the organization? And if they knew, why didn’t they do anything? What’s the limit before you stop viewing victims of predation as collateral damage to your capital interests?

Time for Some Unnecessary Cruelty

Anyway, the Cardinals wrap up a weekend series against the Cubs. St. Louis is 28-11 since the All-Star Break and is really good. Chicago’s been pretty decent as well, although they dug their own graves with an excavator by going 35-57 before the All-Star Break. They’ve played clubs more their speed in the second half and have gone 11-8 against them, but 10-12 against teams with winning records. Ain’t that just like the Cubs though, tisk tisk.

I hate roasting the Cubs, though. It feels dirty. We don’t have a vicious rivalry like other fanbases, I’ve never seen a Cards-Cubs fans fight. Now Cubs and Cubs fans, that’s a different story–which goes to show you that nobody hates the Cubs worse than themselves. We’re not animals like those godless Red Sox-Yankees droogs, or skull-fracturing Dodgers-Giants hooligans. I genuinely like David Ross, Seiya Suzuki, Justin Steele, and was happy they won it all in 2016 because, just like how everyone knew where they were when JFK got shot or 9/11, I was witnessing history.

But no one’s reading this section for nuance, but bloodsport. And the Cubs are a bunch of starving kids in a Dickens novel, and the Ricketts Family are whichever robber-baron that sleeps on a bed made of children’s bones and public subsidies. But unlike in A Christmas Carol, the Scrooges that run the Cubs will never endure any kind of justice, or develop any meaningful love toward their players and fanbase aside from pure disdain for them being poor. These ghouls would rather build a daycare inside of a coal mine.  

Fuck the Cubs. Fuck their racist-ass ownership group, and fuck their stupid city. Fuck Kris Bryant for somehow being right about St. Louis while at the same time having all the appeal as an anally-ingested horse sedative, fucking dipshit is only good for upsetting our thousand year-old basketball owner catcher and shitting his pants so hard it lands him on the 60 day IL. I hope Colorado DFAs him and he winds up becoming a realtor, gahhhhhhhh. Fuck David Ross with Jason Varitek’s dick. Fuck Marcus Stroman and every crypto-bro for that matter, someone should make an NFT of Stroman’s 9+ ERA against the Cards this season, at least that’s valuable. Fuck Willson Contreras and Ian Happ, everyone thought those two tearfully embraced because they were getting traded to someone who mattered, but in Reality-Land they knew they were going to be stuck with this shit-caked asteroid being sucked into the vast black-hole that is Tom Rickett’s ass. Did I mention fuck the Ricketts? Fuck Chicago for making Rahm Emanuel and covering up every murder their police department does. If there were a God He’d finish what he started in 1871 and burn that shit heap to the ground and have it swallowed by the gaping the maw of Lake Michigan, just like a Cubs fan swallows one of their own stupid hotdogs before choking on it like some cruel metaphor for their team. Steve Bartman owns you and your organization.

Fuck Sam Walton’s corpse and his entire bloodline with a barbed wire broom handle. If Joe Biden had any balls he’d nationalize Walmart and execute Jim Walton on live television.

Game time is at 1:15 with Miles Mikolas and Marcus Stroman on the bump. Enjoy the game everyone!